The Also-Rans

So, did you think McCain and Palin were... colourful? Do you even know who the other choices were? No? You probably forgot because winners write history, so in this feature we remind you about those history has already forgotten. They were all losers in their own, special, maverick ways. Some were entertainingly pathetic. Some were democrats in disguise. But all were part of that Grand Ol'e Party that lost mostly because no one likes Bush anymore. So don't beat up on McCain and Palin too hard because, honestly, look at the GOP's other options.Oh, and everything below is true. Because politicians are ridiculous.

Jim Gilmore

One of the first on the Republicans running for nomination to create an exploratory committee and the first to quit the race, his official campaign lasted a mere three months, withdrawing because no one wanted to give him any money because they didn't know who he was.

Sometime in 2004, Jim looked at Howard Dean's failed presidential campaign and ensuing reign of bitterness as founder of Democracy for America and head of the DNC and said to himself, "When I run for president, I will go about everything in the exact same way." Gilmore is a Republican. Gilmore even copied Dean's slogan (repurposed to represent the 'Republican wing of the Republican party,' a unifying sentiment for a big tent party). But he didn't drop out just because no one knew or cared about him or because he modelled himself after someone who even Democrats try to ignore but can't because he screams state names at them. On G-more's watch as Governor, Virginia went from being the safest state there ever was for the GOP to giving their electoral votes to Obama.

The last time Virginia voted Democratic in a presidential election was in 1964 for Lyndon B. Johnson, who then took that love and trust and spit in their face by signing into law the Civil Rights Act and Voting Rights Act. Did he not know who had actually voted for him in Virginia? Hint: it wasn't black people. Because they couldn't. So yeah, while every other Southern State would show their ability to vote Democrat when Jimmy Carter ran, Virginia never forgot.

This year they broke this trend by voting for Obama and against Mr. Gilmore, who had decided to run for a Senate seat. And lost.

Alan Keyes

Alan has wanted to be the presidential candidate for the Republican Party for a really long time. He ran in 1996, 2000, and 2004. Then in 2004, the Illinois GOP asked him to run against Obama for a federal senate seat because their original candidate was embroiled in a sex scandal.

And he lost, not least of all, because he had never lived in Illnois with the added bonus of being incredibly right-wing.

Then in 2005, his daughter (much like Dick Cheney's before him) came out as a lesbian, but unlike Cheney, he kicked her out of the house, proving himself to have hard-core 'family values.'

Alan wanted to be the Republican presidential candidate again in 2008, so much so that he didn't bother to enter the race until September 2007 (McCain entered in February). And then, like the three times before, no one cared.

So he left the party.

Then he ran to be the candidate for the Constitution Party.

And lost.

This made him bitter so he gave an interview where he said: "I kind of represent, in political terms, the abortion. You're invited in, but they kill you." Having received no love from the GOP, and having been aborted by the CP, he decided to make his own party, the American Independent Party. He got just under 35, 000 votes nationwide, 39% of what he received in the 2004 Illinois senate race.

Alan Keyes was in Borat.

Ron Paul

Ron Paul is probably the only Republican with a following that even comes close to Obama's; he represents the libertarian section of the party. Ron Paul is against the government interfering in peoples' lives on almost every issue except for abortions because, really, who likes abortions? He's pro-marijuana and against fiat currency, gun control, any foreign intervention, the federal income tax, and governmental spending. He's a strict constitutionalist. He wants to withdraw from NATO and the UN because they infringe on US sovereignty because, let's be honest, the USA always listens to what the UN tells them to do. He wants to get rid of the Federal Reserve. A large part of his supporters are 9-11 Truthers. It's strange that he wasn't selected.

He named one of his sons Rand.

Mike Huckabee

Mike Huckabee lost 100 pounds and that wasn't good enough for you. He was good enough for Chuck Norris, who supported him. He shared his fried squirrel recipe; it only requires a popcorn popper which can be found in your parent's basement. There are tonnes of squirrels about Vic. One of his sons crucified a dog at bible camp but that isn't relevant as to whether he would make a good President.

What's relevant? He's folksy. He likes Jesus. A lot. He used to be a pastor. And fat. He even wrote a book about it, but he's a Republican who is sort of into heath care so that's different. And socialist. And he stayed in the race far past when it was mathematically possible for him to win (way longer than H-Clint), saying "Folks, I didn't major in math. I majored in miracles, and I still believe in those."

Huckabee believes in a lot of things. Guns, non-fatness, not-gays, non-evolution, and making fun of Mitt Romney for being a Mormon. He wants to change the Constitution because "it's a lot easier to change the constitution than it would be to change the word of the living God." He likes NASA, though, because it helps the science of medicine. Southerners enjoy him.

Rudy Giuliani

Once upon a time, Rudy Giuliani was mayor of New York City, a known liberal city that also happens to be one of the biggest sanctuary cites in the country, a policy he supported. He extended domestic partnership rights to gay and lesbian couples. He was known for being tough on crime and a bit of a womanizer. He dressed in drag once for a roast in 2000. He moved the Office of Emergency Management to 7 WTC. He ran against Hilary Clinton for a Senate seat in 2000 but was seen as too cosmopolitan; plus, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and was cheating on his wife; he eventually resigned.