Two legs good, four legs bad

While it is without a doubt that I have an unending admiration and love for animals of all kinds, along with a genuine concern for their ethical treatment, I cannot deny that I also share an incredulous resentment towards them when they're able to meet me in the faculties of my own domain as Man. For instance, when I see that a raccoon is able to open a door using its own set of opposable thumbs, I can't help but assess the situation and think to myself: "Hey pal, that's my job." It might be petty, but a part of me gets its kicks by knowing that I exist among a higher natural order - an order that rests above that of the animals - and I would like to see that it stays that way. So you can imagine my bitter reaction when I discovered that Tyson, a seven-year old English bulldog, can skateboard better than I can.

Tyson has already become an established success as a skateboarding dog, both on and off Youtube. Having been cast in a few films, and starring in a Japanese commercial for Nikon, he has also made a guest appearance on Oprah. On top of these commercial successes, Tyson is also appropriately sponsored by Bulldog skateboards. After watching one of his viral skateboarding videos, I found my endearment quickly fleeting as I made the rounds of my afternoon paper-route, struck by the harsh realization that this canine is probably barking up an income far higher than my own.

Is it not degrading enough to watch this animal conquer the wheel and our economy, two of the most sparkling developments to spring from our very genus? I can only pacify his talent by telling myself that he is more naturally inclined, as a quadruped, to have a better sense of balance; as more often than not, the wheels of a skateboard usually drive my face into the pavement. Like I'm some Neanderthal or something!

But, obviously, I'm not a caveman. I might not know how a toilet works, but do I think that animals should be potty trained? No. Do I think that horses should get car rides to the drive-thru of Burger King? Absolutely not. And this brings me to Patches, "the Coolest Horse." Less famous, and more infamous in my mind, Patches is still a mild internet sensation.

Smashing any conception of horses you've had in the past, Patches eats burgers, watches TV, and can grab you a beer straight from the fridge. He also sometimes sleeps in a bed! Which may render him the coolest horse in the world.

But, I ask, since when did it stop being cool for horses to just be themselves? I had always assumed that the degenerate realm of lazy, fast-food consuming culture was left for the human class, but I guess it's now cool to put those social pressures on other animals too. Forgetting that horses are entirely herbivores, I suppose that coaxing them to eat cheeseburgers, or other barnyard by-products, will make them totally more popular in nature as they get to hang out with people now instead. I can only notice that animals will now have the opportunity of choice when crossing into the frontier of civilization, deciding if they want to surpass us in some way, or just choose to remain a low-level loser like the rest of our society.

Throughout history, progress has been unavoidable. I know I can't halt the direction that we're heading in. But as I watch that walrus mimic the dance to "Smooth Criminal" and have it garner more viewer hits than the original Michael Jackson video itself, I can't help but put myself more in line with the arena of Free Willy. Harkening back to a simpler understanding between man and animal, I find myself wishing, like the whale himself, to just fly away.