Vic Bookstore closes in middle of orgy, gawkers disappointed

The Victoria University Bookstore was partially closed on Monday, reducing its retail space, sex appeal and available prophylactics by approximately half. The bookstore, located in the "Old Vic" building on campus, was instructed to vacate one of its two rooms in what Victoria College Bursar David Keeling sees as "an exercise in population control" on the part of the school."You know the birth rate a Vic is doubling? It's all because of that bookstore, not Northrop Frye," says Keeling. "We want a smaller population at the college."

While talk of a student lounge has been heard around campus, Keeling states that this would be counter-productive to the efforts to curb the rampant reproduction rates at Vic, especially in light of revelations about out-of-control student fornication rates from the latest Vic student life survey.

The newly-emptied room will more likely become the office for the new Victoria College Ministry of Forced Retirement. The task of the ministry, as stated on its website, is to force out students that have been here too long, paving the way for the new generations that are being produced with record levels of efficiency and proficiency as determined by the survey.

However, when asked if the increased copulation has anything to do with a spike in local LCBO sales, Keeling replied with silence, awkward fidgeting and shifty eyes. It was then that Stranded entered the fray, launching its own well-funded investigation into suspicious links between Vic administrative officials, the Liquor Control Board of Ontario and various prophylactic manufacturers.

"There is no secret deal between Vic, the LCBO and Trojan, OK?" says Keeling. "When I first came to Victoria College, I was surprised to see so much sex, especially in public Vic spaces like the bookstore. It must have amazing sexual powers beyond my comprehension and for the sake of common decency, it must be stopped. Now will you kids stop drinking malt liquor on my porch and harassing my family?"

Allegations and speculation have sprung up in and around Stranded's Special Investigators Office that the new ministry is a puppet organization secretly run by a sordid coalition of the LCBO and condom manufacturers.

Certain anonymous informants, like bookstore employee Mark Ostler, insist that the bookstore is merely being downsized due to jealousy on the part of Vic administration and it is an attempt to increase the sex appeal of lesser buildings like Bader Theatre and Northrop Frye, which incidentally houses the Vic administration offices, possibly including that of David Keeling. If the investigators hadn't been so drunk, we might have done more research.

While Keeling sees the move as a positive one, not everyone is necessarily

in agreement. Students will see a marked decrease in massage oils and scandalously revealing clothing on sale. Bookstore manager Don MacDougall admits that while the bookstore will continue to sell books, there won't be "nearly as much sex." In addition to this, students will no longer be able to purchase dirty magazines or erotic novels set at Victoria College.

"We've been working really hard to make do with the space we have, but the kids just don't want to have sex in here anymore. It's too cramped," says bookstore employee Mark Ostler with regards to the decreased space.

However, when asked if this downsizing will affect student libido, MacDougall assures

that any effect will be minimal and that the store will still be a key "hook-up point."

"Maybe we can't have an inflatable swimming pool filled with lubricant," he says, "but we will not let this unfortunate downsizing affect campus sex life in a negative way."

No public notice was made concerning the bookstore's partial closure, and

many students were unaware that there was any truth to the rumours that had

been circulating for some time. The final decision, according to Keeling,

was ultimately made by the Principal and the notoriously celibate Victoria College council.

"There was a desire [on the Council's part] to stifle sexual creativity at Victoria College."

Or was there, Mr. Keeling?

Research on the part of Stranded's generously funded investigation department into the alleged coalition is ongoing.